As I was catching up on some subscribed pages on youtube I saw a title that leaped off the page at me. "How do you feel about your excess skin and are you going to do anything about it?" on Proofwlsworks. http://www.youtube.com/user/ProofWLSWorks Now, I don't know if it was coincidental (which I don't really believe, I think things happen for a reason) or if I noticed it because it is a tense subject with me right now. For those of you that don't know, I am approaching my 1 year "surgiversary", and I was 359 lbs the day of surgery, which means as of today I have lost 143 lbs in a year. But prior to that, my highest recorded weight was 441 lbs. So I had lost 80 lbs on my own prior to the surgery. That means I am half the woman I was! I have lost 220+ lbs in about 18 months. Good for me! Absolutely! I am healthier and happier and sexier than I have been in decades. BUT, there are some harsh realities to losing that much weight and still needing to lose another 50. I have excess skin, and LOTS of it. It's no surprise, it was to be expected, but what I am surprised about is the feeling of disgust I have when I see it. And I see it every stinkin' day.
Prior to the surgery I had no mirrors in my house below neck high, and even those I only looked at to see if I had any eye boogers n such in the morning. Now, I have mirrors everywhere! I LIKE the way I look in clothes, I get to pick the clothes I WANT to wear, that actually flatter me. But at some point, they have to come off. It is those times that I dread. If I look down from the top at my thighs, my arms, my waist, I can see the shape I am supposed to me as all the excess skin drops off underneath, but when I am laying in bed, my butt crack actually goes right up my back to my neck. If I raise my legs in the air I actually have a puddle of skin left back on the bed. My waist is quite small, but my belly, post 3 children and 3 surgeries looks like badly risen pizza dough that flops as I walk. My arms, well, I would be best to keep them covered in a high wind for fear of take off! And I actually have an ass flap, where my buttock have shrunk and the excess skin just hangs on the back of my thighs. The inside of my thighs look like valance curtains. None of these things I am exaggerating in the least. And I find myself obsessing about it. I would like to have it all removed, but we are not a family of means, and while OHIP (Ontario health care) will pay for the belly, the rest is up to me. And that just ain't gonna happen, no way. We struggle financially on a daily basis, so there is just no leeway for several thousand dollars of cosmetic surgery. I lose sleep over this. Have I gone through all this only to find myself hiding again? Dave loves the new me, and the fact he can pick me up and get his arms all the way around me, but if I can't stand to see myself naked, it makes me wonder what he really thinks, or what he will think 50 lbs from now? I am really really good at avoiding things I don't like, did it for years with the mirrors in the house, but I am genuinely afraid this will turn into some psychosis of some sort.
I find myself having crazy ideas like a fundraiser! Absurd as it is, I had cousins who decided to go to school in Australia, and my large family had a whip around to help them get established all the way down under. I am thinking, why not me? I think I deserve it more than them. Sounds bitchy I know, but this is my place to be honest with myself. I mean, really. I have managed to live through having two children with special needs, a bankruptcy, children with heart defects, and leukemia, surviving on one income and managed to stay happily married for more than 20 years. No one in my family can say that, surely that counts for something! AND, on top of that I have volunteered for everything under the sun for decades, helped friends through divorces and illness, and other tragedies. In the grand scheme of things, surely I deserve to win a small lottery? Not even a big one, just a little one. I know I am whining, and it ain't attractive, but man of man. I thought this was going to be my time. The time when I could think of me. How am I going to change this mindset? How am I going to feel about sacrificing yet again. Surgery my have fixed my body, but I have to finish the job. Yet another hurdle to overcome.
In times of trouble in my life, when faced with something insurmountable, I visualize myself tucking my chin to my chest and moving forward like a jugernaut. It had gotten me through much in the past, guess I am going to have to pull it out again. I just would like to know when my life is going to get easier?
Dear Lovely, Beautiful Patrina,
You KNOW I know exactly how you feel, but one thing I can tell you: the way we view ourselves is NOT the way others view us. I'm in a similar situation, and my insurance covers nada. The thing is, there's workarounds. There's still ways to feel sexy. And you my dear? Nothing short of amazing and gorgeous! (And PS, you DO deserve it! :)
Posted by: Taunia Soderquist | 04/23/2011 at 07:07 PM